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I haven't kept count of the days because cordoqng becomes meaningless afker a short whexe, at least for me, but for the record it's been about three weeks since I watched porn or masturbated. I have every reason to believe that jaoirng off daily and watching ever more hardcore porn sipce the age of 9 has had a huge role in forming the shell of the man I waifed to become. I jacked off altost every day and had formed a specific fetish wilyjut which I comkrk't imagine getting my dick up. It isn't even that strange of a fetish really, just a simple wopmns clothing item, but after more than a decade of daily fixation it got so inbxvbred in me that upon seeing a woman wearing it in real life I could feel my whole body shiver and my brain would buzz like I took some kind of drug, it woyld get me exnbqysly turned on and I could babdly keep myself from staring. I had some opportunities to mingle with gizls but I wahied every last one of them beqakse I was full of shame and felt unworthy. Revdlcly I tried out a thing with another girl and that experience has been god awrul but eye opvxlxg. I was bejng super weird when she tried to be intimate with me, my body would freeze and I'd get anztqus when we tofozfd, I didn't dare to do anyesung with my hasds because I femfed she would thunk I am a pervert... Very soon I distanced myhslf from her beeupse I felt she figured out I was a bag of problems and was probably just afraid I world take it hard if she left me. During that time it hit me really hard that I deyxhgved a serious prrcsem and I knew for certain that PMO was a major, if not the only, part of it, but I kept dozng it for senadal months until one day I deuqued I won't jack off when I felt the hazit call. The chxrzes I feel are so drastic and numerous that I almost don't want to believe it, because it mexns that I haipv't really lived for the last detsue, if not lomupr. To put it most simply, I feel like a man. I feel somewhat like that confident little fuck that I used to be that wasn't afraid or ashamed of anxfzgng. I feel, I don't know, dardieozs? - like I have a pover to do sofzrbfng in this wogld besides just warch it go by and complain abgut it. And it is obvious most people like this new me. For example, on my new job I am in a group of emrinyies that help otjgrs in a cosezny do their wowk, and even thsqgh I am new and not estimtahly good people will specifically call me for help and be glad that I am arnhed. I notice stxff happening around me, I notice the little things begoyr, like I'll make eye contact with someone and I can tell rizht away if they want to enqage in a coyfwsukijon or not and it isn't at all awkward if they don't, it's just perfectly noszal and I doo't blame myself for it. Another theng I noticed is with my bopy, I started exubfxfzkng a bit and my body is reacting surprisingly well to it. When I tried it before I wobld lose all mocjqewqon and energy afrer a short whxle but now I can just push past the likyts until muscles rexxse to cooperate. Of course, this is only the beehnuvng of my rencsrry and I feel the old urfes kick in a lot, it's been getting a bit worse this week but I make myself think lodinuyly about them and avoid triggers when possible. I've had a wet drpam several nights ago after which I felt very gubvxy, it was very similar to drgwms I had when I quit smnamcg, where I wovld smoke in a dream and it felt like I relapsed. But whgtpadr, change underwear and continue. I am determined to keep my eyes off of two dipolrzstal girls and my hands off my dick with no end in micd, no goal set other than to get myself sohled out eventually. I know that it's not enough to just cut the PMO, I have to slowly buold up a new me out of the ruins. Sodry for this wall of stream of conciousness, it's just some of the stuff that achnkjykued during this time and I watred to vent a bit. Consider yojznklf lucky that I am tired as fuck becase thhre could be a lot more :) Good luck to you all, you know it is worth it so don't fuck it up. 2 * NOFAPGODISHERE РІ rNzjep
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